Hi friends! I was recently in conversation with
(you can read the entire interview over on her substack), and we talked a lot about feeling stuck, and what we can do to move through that feeling. Coming out of the conversation, we decided to bring the self-compassion portion of our conversation into an actionable and communal setting. I’ll be sharing a short 30-minute lesson & practice on self-compassion on Friday, February 9th, at 9:30 am PT / 11:30 am CT / 12:30 pm ET / 5:30 pm GMT.Sign up to attend for free here. I hope to see you there!
Here’s a short snippet of our conversation (read the rest here):
Elise: I’ve been struggling with feeling stuck lately, maybe it’s the pressure of the new year. As much as I love a symbolic fresh start, I am definitely leaning into winter and hibernation mode, maybe a bit too much. January is often a struggle for me. Do you have any tips or suggestions for getting un-stuck?
Kristine: It’s so important for our bodies to rest and slow down. I can relate to that struggle and the in-between time. For example, going from three jobs where I didn’t have the space to do my own thing to now having some space, I’m like, oh I should probably do all these other things, but my body is telling me to rest.
I think what I've really noticed with the work that I do, especially when it comes to January and resolutions, is that people create all these lofty goals. They want to change their lives! A lot of the time when we’re choosing areas that we want to change, we choose things we don’t even enjoy. For instance, I’m going to be on my phone less. I’m going to watch less Netflix. I’m going to read more nonfiction. I’m going to lift weights and work out. You're basically telling yourself to stop doing something you like, and to replace it with something you don't like… the podcast I work for just talked about this (you can listen here). It's never going to work that way, and ends up producing a lot of shame and criticism. When we criticize ourselves, the brain interprets it in the same way it interprets a threat, and we go into fight-or-flight.
Elise: Yes, survival mode!
Kristine: You go into this survival mode — your threat defense system, or the reptilian brain, perceives it as danger. So the first reaction that you're going to have when things go wrong is self-criticism, and then you shut down. Which means you can't even do the goal to begin with.
Elise: Or maybe can’t even accomplish any of the other usual things you were trying to do at the time.
Kristine: Exactly, then you curl up in a ball and can’t do anything. That cycle of self-criticism gets you stuck in fight-flight-freeze, which leads to burnout or chronic stress. We have to find ways to break it because we won’t be productive or do anything positive for ourselves there.
Self-compassion is one of those ways — actually treating yourself the way that you would treat a friend that comes to you and says, “I failed. I’m not getting the stuff done that I wanted to get done.” You wouldn’t say to them, “Oh, you suck and you’re a failure.”
Elise: What’s a good way to practice self-compassion?
Kristine: That’s a great question, and I can lead you through a practice on this later. I think it’s helpful to consider that there are three aspects to self-compassion. They focus on a positive pull, as opposed to the negative way in which we usually treat ourselves — kindness versus self-judgement, mindfulness versus over-identification or rumination, and common humanity versus isolation.
You can go through these three things instead of judging yourself. If you get fired from a job, you may be like, “I can’t believe this happened to me. I’m so stupid. I’m such a failure.” Self-kindness would say, “This is really hard.” Even putting your hand on your heart and saying “This doesn’t feel good. What can I do to make myself feel better? What can I do so that this doesn’t happen next time?” You don’t have to feel sorry for yourself — it can be action-oriented, too, taking steps to improve that are not rooted in criticism or judgement. “I want to better myself because I care about myself.”
Elise: Oof, this is so good.
Kristine: When I learned about the common humanity aspect, it was one of the most powerful things. Usually when we’re going through a hard time we think, “Why is this happening to me?” We feel isolated and alone. We have to remember that suffering is a part of the human condition, and most likely what we are going through is something that hundreds or thousands or millions of people have also experienced. Whether it’s heartbreak or grief or losing a job, others have experienced this, too. State to yourself, “I am not alone. Other people experience this too.” It helps to take the weight off a bit.
And the mindfulness aspect involves naming without judging. “I’m feeling stress.” That’s it — you don’t need to say why or over-examine it, just state what is going on. Even something like “My chest feels tight” or “I feel sick to my stomach.” Allow yourself to see what’s happening, without trying to overthink or judge it.
These are the three parts to self-compassion.
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If you have any questions you’d like me to answer or topics you’d like me to cover in my upcoming substacks, please feel free to comment or reach out to me at kristine@claggie.com — and I hope to see you on February 9th!