3 Key Takeaways: Self-Compassion

plus an invitation to an in-person event

Last week, I led a group of around 48 individuals through a lesson and practice on self-compassion. It was incredibly special to be in a shared space together, all connecting on the commonality we share from our experience with treating ourselves with criticism instead of compassion — and our desire to change that.

We discussed the science behind why that is and ways we can work to change our brain’s pull to focus on the negative.

Here are three key takeaways:

1. Preliminary data suggests that the vast majority of people are more compassionate to others than to themselves, and this could be due to our inherent negativity bias (which causes our brains to preferentially look for negative information or threats over positive or neutral information. It also means we get stuck on the negative.
   
   Negativity bias is an evolutionary trait from early human history. Paying attention to threats (the bad, the negative, the dangerous) over the positive was a matter of life and death. Those who paid more attention to the dangers around them were more likely to survive, passing this trait down to future generations.
   
   When we criticize ourselves, we tap into the body's threat-defense system (fight-flight-freeze). Among the ways we can react to perceived danger, the threat-defense system is the quickest and most easily triggered. This means that self-criticism is often our first reaction when things go wrong.
   
   The system works well for protecting against threats to our physical bodies, but nowadays, most of the threats we face are challenges to our self-image or self-concept. It interferes with our ability to function in the modern world, where the threats we experience are much more subtle (and less life-threatening).
   
   One comment from last week’s Zoom resonated with a lot of us. It came from Magdalena, who shared, “A friend taught me something to work with negativity bias- which is asking myself what’s the best thing that could happen?” This is such a simple way to rewire the brain to focus on the positive.
   

2. Another important way to shift that attention is to return to a time where we feel safe, where our parasympathetic nervous system is engaged, and we return to a rest & digest state. Self-compassion can transform our stress responses into nurturing ones. By activating the caregiving system in our bodies, self-compassion provides us with a sense of safety and resourcefulness.

   
   What is self-compassion? Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the care and concern you would give a friend when confronted with personal inadequacies, mistakes, failures, and painful life situations. It consists of three interacting components, each of which has a positive and negative pole:
   

   • Self-kindness vs Self-judgment

   • A sense of common humanity vs Isolation

   • Mindfulness vs Over-identification
     
     Self-compassion is precisely the opposite of our typical reaction to internal threat: self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption.
     

3. Suffering is a part of life. It can be incredibly helpful to recognize our common humanity (one of the three components of self-compassion) — that all people have difficulties and challenges, and these experiences give you something in common with the rest of humanity rather than mark you as abnormal or deficient.
   
   Being in community with others who are working to be more compassionate with themselves was a great reminder of this.
   
   If you weren’t able to make it to the event, I’ll share the recording below:

If you would like to skip forward to the self-compassion practice, it starts at 11:00. You can also read my interview with Elise here.

I help individuals who are feeling stuck, burnt out, and caught up in endless cycles of stress and self-criticism get unstuck.

If you’re interested in diving deeper and want to learn more about working with me one-on-one, click here to book a free consultation call.

I help individuals who are feeling stuck, burnt out, and caught up in endless cycles of stress and self-criticism get unstuck using tools like neuroplasticity, self-compassion, nervous system regulation, and mindfulness (to name a few) to improve self-worth, move through imposter syndrome, further resilience, and create positive change in their lives.

P.S. If you’re in Los Angeles, I am hosting an in-person event on Wednesday, February 21st. Details below:

Connect with Compassion: Cultivate Deeper and More Meaningful Connections in Your Relationships with Others, Your Community, and Yourself.

Grab your significant other, get your group chat offline, or swing by solo for an evening of connection, compassion, and conversation. The evening will surround a candid discussion between Certified Compassion & Mindfulness Educator Kristine Claghorn, Designer & Auteur Studio Owner Ailrick Young Jr., and Certified Sexologist & Intimacy Coach Michaela d'Artois, with the vision of sharing tips and tools for fostering deeper intimacy through compassion and communication as well as our own experiences as we explore these topics in our own lives.

This event is for you if you seek to:

• Build a more compassionate relationship with yourself

• Foster deeper connections with others both physically and emotionally

• Heal your inner-critic

• Build your self-trust for clarity in dating and relationships

• Do your part to better the dating landscape

• Reinforce your closest relationships

• Gain tools to de-escalate conflict

• + Connect with a like-minded community

You can also enjoy libations kindly provided by our friends at Ghia and Say When while you mingle.

What you can expect: We will begin the evening with some time to grab a drink and hang out at 6:30 PM. The discussion will begin at 7 PM and will roll into an open dialogue in which guests can share any thoughts or questions. From there, feel free to chat with our hosts, and other attendees, grab another bev, and hang as long as you’d like! In a post-pandemic world, we’re still experiencing an epidemic of loneliness (according to the U.S. Surgeon General), and this diminished connection and isolation are taking a toll on our physical or mental health. We’re looking for ways to garner a sense of community and connection and are excited to host this event in person here in Los Angeles.

Space is limited, so make sure to book your spots early via Eventbrite. Pre-purchased tickets are required. Hope to see you there!