A meaningful life is... a stressful life?

How I changed my mind about stress

I used to think stress was harmful — and that the constant stress I felt in life was an indication that something was wrong with me. Why did I let stress affect me so much? There was so much shame around the belief that stress was in control of my body, and I was not. The racing heart, sweaty palms, shortness of breath, difficulty focusing on anything else, and feeling like my mental load was so heavy that my nervous system might snap had me trying my best to avoid stress altogether when, in reality, I had it all wrong.

If you’re like this past version of me, you’re not alone — and it’s not your fault for having these beliefs. I mean, look at these headlines! They make stress sound like the enemy we must avoid at all costs.

I recently asked my followers on Instagram a few questions about stress. When asked, “How much stress have you experienced in the past year?” 97% of those who answered experienced a moderate amount of stress to a lot of stress (with 67% sharing that they have experienced a lot of stress this past year). When asked, “Do you believe stress is harming your health?” 88% answered yes. The majority of us experience a great deal of stress and believe that it’s harming us.

These findings are consistent with other surveys. For example, in a 2014 survey conducted by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Harvard School of Public Health, 85% of Americans agreed that stress has a negative impact on health, family life, and work. And, according to the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America survey, most people perceive their own stress levels as unhealthy. Even those who report relatively little stress believe that the ideal level of stress is below whatever they are currently experiencing (McGonigal 2014).

I wasn’t surprised by these results, as I would have answered the exact same way a year ago. When I first started my research on stress and burnout, I learned about methods to complete the stress cycle and to process the stress even when we’re unable to escape what causes us stress. These things are essential when it comes to keeping our stress from becoming chronic to the point of burnout, but what about stress in general? A life without stress is impossible (as seen from the results above). My first “aha” moment that really shifted my thoughts on stress happened when I learned about a study through Kelly McGonigal’s book The Upside of Stress:

In 1998, thirty thousand adults in the United States were asked how much stress they had experienced in the past year. They were also asked, Do you believe stress is harmful to your health?

Eight years later, the researchers scoured public records to find out who among the thirty thousand participants had died. Let me deliver the bad news first. High levels of stress increased the risk of dying by 43%. But—and this is what got my attention—that increased risk applied only to people who also believed that stress was harming their health. People who reported high levels of stress but who did not view their stress as harmful were not more likely to die. In fact, they had the lowest risk of death of anyone in the study, even lower than those who reported experiencing very little stress.

The researchers from this study concluded that it wasn’t stress alone that was killing people. It was the combination of stress and the belief that stress is harmful.

Kelly McGonigal’s notion of stress ties to the answers many of you gave when I asked the question, “What is currently causing you stress?” Here’s her conception: Stress is what arises when something you care about is at stake.

Here are some of the answers I received to the question, What is currently causing you stress?:

Family dynamics, work, starting grad school, money, my health, having a newborn, thinking about the future, the news, the health of my loved ones, my parents aging, finding a job, relationship issues, mental health, a cancer diagnosis, the state of the world, IVF journey, being a teacher, politics, being single, parenting, wedding planning, love, my dog aging, grief, meeting expectations, and my personal favorite, “I feel like there should be no character limit for that question. 😅”

Stress and meaning are deeply connected. You don't stress about things that don't matter to you, and building a meaningful life inevitably involves some level of stress.

On a side note, I also know that stress can feel incredibly isolating, so when looking at this list, I hope that you feel a little less alone, knowing that other people understand what you’re going through right now.

When you consider that stress is tied to what matters to you, it’s easier to see the benefits of stress. Rethinking our mindset about stress can build our confidence in what we believe we can handle. It can transform our stress responses (yes, switching our mindset can impact the chemicals released during stress)!

According to Stanford Psychologist Alia Crum, a positive stress mindset involves seeing how stress can enhance our health, well-being, and performance. Here are two mindsets she developed. Which one do you align more with?

Mindset: Stress is Harmful.

• Experiencing stress depletes my health and vitality.

• Experiencing stress debilitates my performance and productivity.

• Experiencing stress inhibits my learning and growth.

• The effects of stress are negative and should be avoided.

Mindset: Stress is Enhancing.

• Experiencing stress enhances my performance and productivity.

• Experiencing stress improves my health and vitality.

• Experiencing stress facilitates my learning and growth.

• The effects of stress are positive and should be utilizied.

According to Alia Crum and Kelly McGonigal, stress mindsets are powerful because they don’t just affect how you think. They also affect how you act. When you see stress as harmful, it’s more likely that you will try to avoid it. Feelings of stress become a signal to try to escape or minimize the stress. People who hold the mindset that stress is harmful are more likely to cope with stress by trying to avoid it in these ways:

• Trying to distract themselves from the cause of the stress instead of dealing with it.

• Focusing on getting rid of their feelings of stress instead of taking steps to address its source.

• Turning to distractions (alcohol or other substances, mindlessly scrolling on social media, etc.) to escape the stress.

• Withdrawing their energy and attention from whatever relationship, role, or goal is causing the stress.

On the other hand, people who see stress as enhancing are more likely to deal with stress proactively in ways like these:

• Accepting the fact that the stressful event has occurred and is real.

• Planning a strategy for dealing with the source of stress.

• Seeking information, help, or advice (social connection).

• Taking steps to overcome, remove, or change the source of stress.

• Trying to make the best of the situation by viewing it in a more positive way or by using it as an opportunity to grow.

The good news is that to shift from a stress-is-harmful mindset to a stress-is-helpful mindset, you don’t have to drastically change your outlook or behavior. Simply allowing yourself to consider that there is a positive side to stress will help you reap the benefits. It also doesn’t require you to change your mind entirely or to “look on the bright side.” You can still acknowledge that stress can be harmful at times while having a more balanced view of stress and trusting that you can handle it.

Here are three steps to rethinking stress:

See it: Recognize and name the stress you are facing.

Recognizing and acknowledging that you’re stressed is the first step. When we name what we’re feeling, we shift from the amygdala (the emotional brain) to the prefrontal cortex (the thinking brain), which helps us to be less reactive and automatic and more objective and deliberate with our actions.

Own it: Remember that what you are stressing about is important to you. Recognizing that the stress is tied to something that matters to you helps to cultivate positive motivation.

Think about the last time you were stressed. How did it connect to what is important and meaningful to you? Examples: relationships, roles, activities, goals, etc. Why is this important to you? When we connect our stress to meaning, it shifts it from a problem to avoid to a challenge to overcome.

Use it: The stress response was not designed to kill us like the headlines I mentioned earlier inferred. It’s meant to help us focus our attention, give us energy, encourage social connection, and increase courage. When you see your body’s response as something positive, you can use it to overcome stress. All of the symptoms of your stress are there to help you face the stress with confidence. (Crum & Crum, 2018; Crum, Salovey, & Achor, 2013)

When I asked my followers how they feel when they experience stress, here are some of the answers I received:

Rapid breathing, sweaty palms, racing thoughts, my heart feeling like it’s beating a mile a minute, anxious energy, feeling on edge, muscle tension, ruminating thoughts, inability to focus on anything else, feeling overwhelmed, nervous energy, lack of appetite, spiraling, ungrounded, nausea, butterflies, constipation, hypersensitivity, I yawn a lot, like I have to stay in motion, and frozen.

Before, you may have believed these symptoms to be signs that you were struggling to manage stress or that something was wrong with you. In reality, all of these things are signs that our bodies and brains are helping us cope and overcome stress.

These symptoms help us to mentally focus our attention on the situation right in front of us, readying us for action. You may notice that you want to be near friends or family — the stress response can activate our prosocial instincts and encourage connection. Social stress usually increases oxytocin more than other kinds of stress. Performance stress is more likely to increase adrenaline and other hormones that give you energy and focus (McGonical 2015). When we use these responses to help us move through stress, instead of trying to tamp them down or avoid them, we train our nervous system to regain balance and teach our brain to learn and grow in the ways we respond to stress in the future.

Next time you’re feeling stressed, try seeing it as an opportunity to notice what’s happening in your mind and body. When you believe that stress is harmful, anything that feels remotely stressful can start to feel like a problem to avoid. We have the choice to change our relationship to stress and find meaning in the challenges. Remember that stress arises when something we care about is at stake, and our stress responses are there to help us take action. This practice of noticing will allow your relationship with stress to grow into something more meaningful.

I’ll leave you with a few more questions from Kelly McGonigal to contemplate:

• Do you believe you have the capacity to transform stress into something good?

• Which part of the stress response would be most helpful right now for you and your situation? What would someone who is good at that side of stress think, feel, or do?

• How can you use stress to help you grow?

There is so much more I want to say about stress — like how there are more stress responses than the well known fight/flight/freeze, with entirely different biological profiles. If you’re interested in learning more about the other types of stress responses, like the challenge response, which helps build self-confidence and motivation, or the tend-and-befriend response, which increases courage and strengthens social relationships, I would love to know if this topic is interesting to you.

Lastly, If you are curious about diving deeper into the topic of stress and working with me one on one, you can book a free consultation call here. You can click here to learn more about my coaching series. I’d also love to hear if this has shifted your thoughts about stress or if you have any questions related to stress you’d like me to answer in the future. You can write to me at kristine@claggie.com.

If you’re curious to learn more, I highly recommend:

• The book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University, Kelly McGonigal, which I mentioned multiple times throughout this post. I couldn’t put this book down when I started reading it. I’ve now devoured it twice and plan to re-read it again in the future. Photo below to show just how many pages I have bookmarked and highlighted so far. 😂 It’s full of research surrounding the topics mentioned here, which I love.

• She also has one of the most viewed TED Talks of all time, How to Make Stress Your Friend, if you’re more of a visual learner.

• The science of how mindset transforms the human experience, another TED Talk by Alia Crum.

• The Yale University and Good Think study Rethinking Stress: The Role of Mindsets in Determining the Stress Response