Reminders when things feel heavy

and feelings of helplessness leave us feeling stuck

On the day of the election, I was on my way to my cousin’s funeral – a cousin only one month older than I am. I was in the car with another cousin our age (the three of us grew up spending a lot of time together), and we reminisced on inside jokes the three of us shared, the songs we would sing in our grandma’s car (which we sang on the drive – loudly), and talked about the heartbreak of this loss. We spent the rest of the day and night together with family, many of which I hadn’t seen in quite some time. My dad is one of seven, so you can imagine how many of us there were. 

I woke up the next morning to the news ping on my phone with the results of the election, and my stomach sank. I didn’t have time to react more than that; I had to get ready for the funeral. I felt a tangle of emotions: the grief of a personal loss intertwined with the broader feelings of despair, fear, anger, and uncertainty. Even after the funeral, I barely had a moment to pause, swept up in the rituals of family, spending time with my loved ones, and dedicating the rest of my trip to helping my grandpa transition into senior living.

In that surreal mix of distraction and purpose, I found a reminder that life, even amidst sorrow and uncertainty, keeps moving. It was an unusual sort of comfort: that while grief can feel so consuming, the small, meaningful things—showing up for family, lending a hand, finding moments of shared laughter and support—are the very things that sustain us. These moments reminded me that no matter how turbulent the world around us may seem, our small acts of care continue to hold real meaning. It made me ask myself, “how can I stay motivated to help when the weight of the world feels so heavy?”

I want to add that I am not dismissing the big feelings we all have right now or even saying that we should avoid them, but I wanted to share some helpful reminders when feelings of helplessness leave us feeling stuck. I will admit that I still have a lot of processing to do now that I’m home from my travels. I haven’t truly sat with my feelings yet, but these are some of the things I am practicing and will continue to practice as time goes on. This is also not an exhaustive list, and I would love to hear from you if you have any thoughts or additional ideas (you can write me at kristine@claggie.com). Ok, here we go:

1. The stress you’re feeling is evidence that you care.

When you consider that stress is tied to what matters to you, it’s easier to see its benefits. Rethinking our mindset about stress can build our confidence in what we believe we can handle. It can transform our stress responses (yes, switching our mindset can impact the chemicals released during stress)!

According to Dr. Kelly McGonigal, Many of the negative outcomes we associate with stress may actually be the consequences of trying to avoid it. Avoiding stress has the ability to diminish our sense of well-being, life satisfaction, and overall happiness. It can also leave us feeling isolated. Seeing our stress as harmful hinders our ability to use it as the resource it actually is.

There is a theory called the tend-and-befriend theory, which talks about how our stress can lead to social connection (it’s not always about self-defense). It can make us more likely to reach out to talk through our stress with a loved one, spend time in community, or even channel the stress into caring for others. When we care for others, it changes our biochemistry (like I mentioned before). It activates parts of the brain that produce feelings of hope and courage, which is so needed right now. It releases oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, which aren’t the same chemicals released with a typical stress response (adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol). In other words, when you choose to help others when you feel stressed, it activates the internal biology of courage and creates hope. (The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal).

Here are some helpful steps to move your stress into a more helpful response:

• Acknowledge your stress.

  • When you notice feelings of stress, pause and name them. For example: I’m feeling stressed because there’s a lot up in the air in the country right now.

• Reframe the stress.

  • Remind yourself: The stress I’m feeling is evidence that I really care about this.

• Tend-and-befriend.

  • Use the stress as an opportunity to connect. You can call a friend or loved one, join a community effort, or even do something as simple as saying “hello” to the barista at your local coffee shop.

• Take one small action.

  • Ask yourself: Is there anything in this situation that is within my control right now? If so, what’s one small, meaningful step I can take to address this stress constructively?

2. You have the power to choose where you place your attention instead of having it chosen for you.

Our attention is one of our most valuable resources, and we often forget that we have the choice as to where we place it. Never before in human history have there been so many ways to distract us—and monetize off of our attention. The algorithm is designed to prioritize viral sensationalist and fear-mongering content, and a study by Columbia University and the French National Institute found that 59% of links shared on social media had never been clicked (and a 2021 article in Psychology Today reported that 70% of social media users read only the headline of online stories). We also know that clickbait headlines are the ones that get shared the most, and they exploit our "curiosity gap" but often fail to provide substantial content. This encourages a culture of surface-level engagement with news, which diminishes critical thinking and a deeper understanding of issues.

Social media often fosters performative activism, where actions like liking or sharing posts replace deeper political engagement. These digitial actions can take the place of real world actions for some, so it’s important for us to regain control over our time and attention (I’m guilty of doomscrolling when I could have been doing something more productive like most of us). This year, I started using the app Opal to retrain my brain to stop grabbing my phone to look at Instagram and TikTok every five seconds. The app blocks all social media for the hours I choose each day, and it’s been a game-changer for me.

I don’t think activism on social media is inherently bad; I learn a lot from the community there, especially with the ability to connect with people globally and hear voices I wouldn’t have the chance to hear in my local community. It’s more about remembering we have the choice for when and how we spend our time and attention there, instead of using it as a distraction or to avoid negative feelings or exploit them.

The American Psychological Association has extensively studied the effects of prolonged social media use. Here are some of their findings:

• High-frequency social media users report higher levels of anxiety and depression. A 2024 APA report noted that 41% of teens with the highest social media use rated their mental health as poor or very poor, compared to 23% of those with the lowest use.

• Late-night social media use can interfere with sleep, contributing to fatigue and cognitive issues.

• Constant comparison with others' curated lives can lead to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.

Here’s a quick and easy practice I like to do when I feel overwhelmed to help reclaim my attention:

• Find five things that you can see around you.

• Four things you can touch.

• Three things you can hear.

• Two things you can smell.

• And finally, one emotion that you feel.

This is a way to ground yourself so you can feel present in the moment and in control of your attention.

3. The single most important factor for happiness is your connection to others.

One of the best ways to cope and grow through challenges is to prioritize your relationships, whether that is family, friends, or communities you are a part of. Being in community with others provides both emotional support and opportunities for growth.

I love this quote from Stephanie Harrison, author of New Happy, “The only way you can survive in the world is to receive help from others, and the only way you can thrive in this world is to offer help to others.”

When facing hard times, we may tend to turn inward and isolate, focusing on what we need to do to survive. But there’s something transformative about shifting our focus outward toward bigger-than-self goals that connect us to a greater purpose.

Research shows that having a positive impact on others not only helps those around us but also enhances our own sense of meaning and fulfillment. These don’t have to be big actions. It can involve simple acts like reaching out to a friend, contributing to our community, or taking action for a cause we care about. These external goals remind us that we are part of something larger than ourselves and that even when we feel powerless, we still have the ability to contribute to something meaningful.

Here are a few helpful reflection questions:

• What impact would you like to have on the people or world around you?

• If you imagined your actions creating a ripple effect, what kind of waves would you want to send out into the world?

• How can your unique skills or strengths serve a greater purpose?

• What small actions can you take today to positively impact someone else or contribute to a cause?

• Are there any local communities you have wanted to join or help out in some way?

4. You’re not alone. There are other people who understand what you’re feeling right now.

When we’re struggling, it’s easy to feel isolated and alone, as though no one could truly understand what we’re going through, but the reality is, suffering is a part of life.

The idea of common humanity refers to seeing our struggles and failures as core components of what makes us human, rather than as personal failings that separate and isolate us from other people. All humans wish for safety, comfort, connection, and relief from suffering.

When we struggle with feelings of burnout, failure, helplessness, etc... it is important to remind ourselves that we are not alone in those feelings. These feelings are part of the shared human experience. Everyone knows what it's like to fail, say the wrong thing, and feel overwhelmed. When we experience difficult feelings, acknowledging our common humanity can take away our sense of isolation, reminding us that we are connected to all humans, even those very different than us.

Here’s a ~15 minute guided common humanity practice that was a part of my CCARE Stanford University applied compassion capstone project, Taking Compassionate Action: A Compassionate Guide to Navigating Burnout, Imposter Syndrome, and Difficult Conversations to Further Resilience, Take Action, and Create Positive Change:

5. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. The more space you make for your feelings, the more space you create for yourself to keep going.

I recently listened to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts, Hidden Brain, called Emotions 2.0: What’s Better Than Being Happy? with psychologist Jordi Quoidbach. In the episode, they explore what happens when we try to live in an “emotional monoculture,” which I understood as ignoring uncomfortable emotions and only letting the positive ones in. In this Harvard study, the research shows that individuals with higher emotional diversity (also known as “emodiversity,”) —those who experience a broader range of positive and negative emotions—tend to exhibit better mental and physical health outcomes.

It’s not about trying to feel good all of the time—negative emotions also play an essential role in creating a well-rounded emotional life.

Here are a few practices to help broaden your emotional diversity:

• Ask yourself:

  • "What emotions am I feeling right now?"

  • "Where do I feel these emotions in my body?"

• Label your emotions. Some examples: calm, frustrated, disappointed, excited, etc…

• Acknowledge each emotion without judging it as right or wrong. For example, you might think, "I feel disappointed about what’s going on in the world right now, and that’s a normal thing to feel.”

6. When fear drives your decisions, it limits your freedom to make meaningful choices.

Fear has its purpose evolutionarily: It helps us to avoid threats. It can be incredibly useful for survival, but it’s not helpful when we’re making important decisions.

We operate more from the primitive brain when fearful and reactive, initiating a fight, flight, or freeze response. We see others more as objects than as people — objects who are meeting our needs or not. We are much more likely to dehumanize the other and act impulsively in this state of mind, often not thinking about our actions as we're doing them. When we respond out of fear, we close ourselves off in an effort to self-protect and self-preserve. In other words, our actions are self-oriented.

When we are able to get to a place where we feel safe, we’re more responsive than reactive. We have the ability to access our inner tools of compassion, empathy, mindfulness, curiosity, understanding, and perspective. We are less likely to view someone as "other than us" and are more likely to hear the needs beneath their perspective.

Humans have an inherent negativity bias, which means that the brain preferentially looks for negative information, or threats, over positive information. It also means we dwell on the negative. Taking time to look for the positive (or even neutral) parts of a situation will help us respond instead of react.

It can also be helpful when feeling fearful about a situation to take a moment to think about what is within your control and what is outside of it.

When you consider the decision you’re facing, what part of it feels rooted in fear, and what part feels aligned with something you truly want?

7. Offer yourself the same compassion you would give to a friend.

When we experience feelings of shame, failure, or make mistakes, it’s more common than not for us to respond to ourselves with criticism. However, self-criticism often erodes our confidence, increases stress, and keeps us stuck in negative thought patterns.

Research suggests self-compassion is strongly related to psychological well-being, personal initiative, motivation, accountability, increased happiness, optimism, and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, neurotic perfectionism, and rumination (Reff, Nude, & Kirkpatrick 2007).

So, what is it?

Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the care and concern we would give a friend when confronted with personal inadequacies, mistakes, failures, and painful life situations. It consists of three interacting components:

• Self-kindness instead of self-judgment.

  • Self-kindness refers to being caring and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly judgmental. Instead of attacking or berating ourselves for personal shortcomings, we offer ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance.

• A sense of common humanity instead of isolation.

  • We’ve already talked briefly about common humanity—it involves recognizing that humans are imperfect, that all people fail, make mistakes, and have serious life challenges. By remembering that imperfection is part of life, we feel less isolated when we are in pain.

• Mindfulness instead of rumination.

  • Mindfulness in the context of self-compassion involves being aware of one's painful experiences in a balanced way that neither ignores and avoids nor exaggerates painful thoughts and emotions.

There’s a common misconception that shifting self-criticism to self-compassion will lower levels of motivation to better oneself. Research indicates the opposite effect. Self-compassionate individuals have less fear of failure and are more likely to try again when they do fail. Tapping into self-compassion by treating yourself with the care and concern you would give to a friend is a great way to overcome shutting down or ruminating during difficult times. It allows us to step out of self-critcicism and ask ourselves, what is an action I can take right now to move through this?

Here is a short three-minutes self-compassion practice, which leads you through the three components of mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness:

8. Focus on the next smallest step you can take—it’s often all you need to keep moving forward.

When everything feels overwhelming, zoom in. Focus on the next smallest step you can take—it’s often all you need to keep moving forward. Ask yourself: What is one small action I can take right now? Break your goal into small, manageable tasks, and start there. Each small step builds momentum, creating a ripple effect of progress and change. This also helps us avoid burnout, which allows us to take bigger actions when the time comes.

Another good reminder is that rest is an essential part of productivity. You do not need to do everything at once to make progress. Studies have shown that incorporating rest and relaxation into our day is essential for sustaining motivation and productivity in the long run. Sometimes a simple pause and asking ourselves, “What skills can I bring to the table in this situation?” can help us make real, meaningful change.

We don’t get to control much of what happens in life, but we do get to choose how we respond. Whether it’s redirecting our attention, taking the small steps forward, or leaning into our communities, we’re reminded that we’re not powerless.

The practices I’ve shared here aren’t about perfection or solving every problem at once. They’re about creating space—for yourself, for your feelings, and for what matters most to you. This space is where change lives.

If there’s one thing I want to leave you with, it’s this: the small, meaningful things you are doing matter.

This is what my desktop looks like when I’m doing research for these substacks—I thought some of you may be able to relate to the amount of tabs I have open. 😂

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