Become a better communicator đŹ
Sharing three tips and a workshop to improve your communication skills
How often do you feel like youâre running on autopilot? When weâre in this mode, itâs difficult, if not impossible, to connect. Do you ever notice yourself doing any of the below when youâre in a conversation?
Planning out your response before the speaker has finished?
Zoning out and missing whatâs been said?
Entered into a conversation with the goal of being right?
Felt your nervous system activate and noticed yourself feeling the need to defend yourself against all odds?
Starting thinking of solutions or fixes to the problem being shared?
Weâve all been there. Conversations can be vulnerable, especially this time of year when we know we may be in groups of people that include those that have different views and beliefs than we do. Conversations can activate our nervous system, making it difficult to think straight. We may be too focused on the other person, and what we're expecting might happen when we talk to them. We may be too focused inwardly on what's going on inside our heads.
I created a self-guided workshop for becoming a better communicator, titled Mindful Communication, which includes tools and practices that will help you enter into conversations with the intention of deepening understanding and connection, navigating difficult conversations, and knowing when to uphold boundaries and leave. Here is a taste of what youâll find:
Tip #1: Lead with Intention.
Going into a conversation with a clear intention helps us practice the essential skills of listening with curiosity, caring about the other personâs needs beneath their words, creating an intimate connection, and sharing the conversation as a collaboration. It can also keep us connected to our own needs and help us remain calm during conflict.
What values do you wish to bring to the table? Here are some words to consider when thinking about your intention:
connection
understanding
patience
care
kindness
presence
curiosity
compassion
empathy
remaining calm
Take a moment to write down the intention you come up with. You can use this intention generally, or you can plan to think about your intention depending on what type of conversation you may be about to have. For example, a daily conversation you may have with a friend or partner may have a different intention than a conversation you have with your boss or a family member with differing views than your own.
What are we hoping to accomplish? Are we going into the conversation to win or be right? Or are we going into the conversation in hopes of deepening understanding?
Tip #2: Receive instead of giving advice.
If you ever notice yourself focusing on your response or a solution while someone else is speaking, youâll find this tip helpful. Making sure a person feels heard requires fully listening to what theyâre saying. Most people share because they want to connect, not because they want you to solve something for them. Try asking before offering advice next time youâre in a conversation. First, reflect what youâve heard back to the speaker to make sure you understand. Then, you can ask, âAre you open to hearing my thoughts?â or âAre you looking for advice?â
If I know I'm about to get into a conversation where someone needs to vent or share something difficult; I like to ask the question, "Are you looking for comfort or solutions?" This question can be incredibly helpful in close relationships as well, as we often feel drawn to fixing the problems of people we love.
Tip #3: Have boundaries and know your limits.
Although mindful communication is a wonderful skill, itâs also important to state that there are instances when conversations can be unsafe places. Suppose you are dealing with someone who does not respect you or your boundaries, shows signs of prejudice, has violent or dangerous tendencies, or is simply unwilling to listen. In that case, it is best to leave that conversation. Putting your safety and well-being first is something you should never forget to do, especially when going into a conversation with someone you know has these tendencies. Mindfulness may actually help give you the space to pay attention to your own needs, letting you know when to leave a situation that is not helpful or safe.
Download the workshop
If you would like to further your skills in the communication space, you can download the workshop here. You can also send it to someone as a gift (perhaps there's someone in your life that you would like to practice with or needs a nudge at bettering their own communication skills).
You should plan to put aside 60-75 minutes to complete this guide. I recommend following this guide from start to finish and revisiting specific topics as needed. The more you practice these skills, the more ingrained theyâll become in your daily conversations.Â
Thank you, and happy communicating!
Kristine